If you live in Europe, the most common word is "I envy you".
I am envious because I am a person who escaped from 'Heloship' and I wish to live in a world where I live.
If that word that I hear always sounds to me as 'cliched', it may sound like a person living alone comfortably. But even if I do not know my genius and do not know the speed of people living here, whenever I hear that first word that I spit out, Moora wants to talk to me and open my mouth, but knowing how hard it is to live in Korea, I could not speak and I would close my mouth. And remember. Until I left Korea too.
I did not say hello when I left, but I also left Korea with such a faint feeling. Somewhere I would have forgotten the pain of now, I came to this distant place without any fuss because I wanted to live like a real person.
I wanted to have the spiritual abundance of 'them' that seemed to be full of space beyond material abundance, and wanted to substitute them for all my deficiencies and fragile reality. So with the decision of marriage, I left my job immediately and left Korea. And finally, life began as a 'European living', in which everyone was longing for it.
From that day on, it seemed to me that there was nothing to be done and that I was being twisted and clutched, and I became a person who received envious eyes from the people around me, including my friends.
It was because I met a "wonderful European man" and married to a "wonderful Western European country." Moreover, the country was richer and more culturally richer than any other country, It was because. As if I was the icon of 'life reversal', everyone was annoyed that I congratulated my 'end of life in Korea', and I felt envious of the start of 'European life', which would be rosy.
But at the time of his life, he did not know that other frustrations would be waiting for him. From the conclusion, 'romantic Europe', which everyone imagines, did not exist in my life.
There are, of course, many wonderful things that we do not have in the so-called "developed countries." Plenty of material, good food, rich culture, and the right to live like a human being. There 's a knife at work, there' s enough vacations, and there 's no such thing as' entrance exam hell'. These are possible because the ideas of 'freedom' and 'equality' are rooted in life.
It is also healthy and progressive to learn and follow 'advanced values and institutions'. Therefore, all the blessings toward me have been taken for granted to me at one time, and I have enjoyed the feeling of being somewhat unconscious before a moment of envy.
But it was a while to enjoy them, and it did not take so long for them to envy everyone, but rather to make me feel uncomfortable and unhappy.
I chose to live here as a normal immigrant, not a choice from a healthy and challenging willingness to study, to experience advanced cultures, or to pioneer a new life in a new land.
I chose this place purely to 'escape from unhappy reality' .
My case was closer to "escape to foreign countries" than to "choose foreign life". More precisely, 'I am condemned to be another world where all reality has disappeared' was there for me. I fell in love with a European man, and I was willing to follow him.
There were many big and small reasons for my frustration, but there was the biggest clue to the start of my mind that I decided to choose this place. However, until the 'Runaway' came to the realization that it was a fateful person to return to, it had to pass through long and harsh times that were unimaginable when it left.
Even loneliness would never lead me to live as a thorough 'stranger' even with my very familiar friend, my closest husband, and frustrated and frustrated before each new frustration, and my misery grew exponential. And every time, I had to feel vividly the pain that seemed to collapse my whole being.
Fortunately, the times of suffering have left me with many meaningful things after penetrating me. They were so simple and so empty.
What I would like to say is that there is no blood stain, it will be close to a 'struggle period' for 'extreme survival'.
I want to put here the experiences that could have been possible to live with Europeans and Europe, the places of pain that I passed through and the moments of small enlightenment that they left me.
What about this land that everyone is envious of has driven such a presence to extreme frustration. How it kills people and brings them back to life.
I can say that my future stories are confessions about it.