It was. I wanted 'those'. I wanted to belong to 'theirs'. I wanted to be incorporated into them. Like the fountains of magic that rise without rest, into their abundance that does not dry.
I did not want to do something like the original marriage. Moreover, I can not imagine myself as a married woman living in Korea where the possibility of remaining distorted is still high and the chances of living with 'my mother – in – law' are still high. But when I met a nice European man who grew up in a rich family, my mind was completely different.
A man in another world who never knew the evil Confucian customs and prejudices met his husband at the time when he thought he could marry a good foreign man. My husband was a smiley and smiley face, and above all, he knew Korea well and loved Korea a lot.
Even though I have traveled abroad a number of times, I have never lived in a foreign country. I have never seen such a thing, and the small manners and habits have come to my body very freshly. It seemed 'very right' in my eyes because it was clearly contrasted with 'patriarchal, authoritarian and oppressive' aspects.
So we started dating, and because he was not in Korea, the physical sense of 'away love' tied us up even harder. In the early winter, he visited me to visit his country, to meet his family and friends, and to spend Christmas vacation together.
There was no reason to hesitate. We were already in love and wanted to spend a little more time together, and his suggestion would be an opportunity to get to know him better. I waited for that winter because I had to go back there for a while after a long backpacking trip.
And on the first visit, I woke and woke up the 'desires' within me that I had forgotten. It was a heart that I hardly ever had, something I wanted to have and a greedy mind, and it was 'all the richness they had'.
Those in my eyes were so much more than enough to bring me back to a dangerous and secure hold.
From my parents' home, my first visit, I was overwhelmed by their 'richness'.
In the large living room with a high ceiling, large windows with a garden view and luxurious leather sofas in generous quantities greeted me as guests, with large picture frames and expensive ornaments on one side. There were carpets all over the house, nice sculptures filling the space, and all kinds of trees and flowers in the garden. Everything was at a glance that it was of a very high and demanding aesthetic.
The witness in the atelier connected with the garden was more intense. The 'futuristic father-in-law' figure, which was pictured in front of the easel with a barefoot leather robe and a sleeved shirt of a luxury shirt, was a truly 'New World' feeling. In the sunny afternoon, he sometimes used to read books under the acacia trees in the garden of the cigars, and every time he had a nice gray hair.
Even though my brothers were all people with so-called "bag-strapped" social status, I had a warm impression on them, and even relatives, friends and even friends of my parents, even the "upper class wives" It was really fresh that I would welcome and greet me without any prejudice. Their inquisitive questions did not include 'originals' or 'schools of origin'.
I met a man, and suddenly it seemed like a rise in status, a new world was opened, and all the riches of the world felt as if they were waiting for me. Above all, it gave me the biggest impression, and it was the appearance of the family that overflowed with love apart from the material abundance that decidedly made the decision of marriage.
During the moments when a small number of families joined together, they laughed without giving a loud voice, and they seemed happy just because they were together. I sat around the table and summoned the memories of my childhood, and when I told them how beautiful it was, their eyes glowed. It was a sticky bond that was not possible unless it was 'very much loved'.
I saw the atmosphere of a family that was rare even in Korea. I am a man who grew up in a loving family, so that he could give me full love. This person would be able to fill completely with the 'lack of love' that I wanted to have but never had.
Of all the abundance they have, that was what I wanted the most. The reason is in the growth process, but above all, it was in my circumstances of the time when I was stuck in the bottom of my life. At that time, I had suffered a mental panic with my values and beliefs overturned, I had to endure betrayal, and my father, who had been scammed, was bankrupt. I did not have a good day, but I was weaker and weaker.
So I would have instinctively noticed. Only that their 'entering into the safe abundance' is the only way to save me from the middle of hell. Maybe I wanted to erase all 'me' by belonging to 'them'.
So, I really came back to earth with a bag of luggage and around half a circle of the earth. To live.